55

Because he’s an old-born baby,

The Dude is one of the greatest characters in the world.

Marmots will not scratch him.

Pomeranians will not take his turn at bowling.

Nihilists will not cut off his johnson.

His belly is soft, yet his toes are strong,

So he rolls a strike!

He has no wife, nor a ring on his finger,

So his toilet seat is up!

He sings the theme song to “Branded” in a Malibu patrol car.

He has fun, even when everything is fucked here.

Though the Dude is chronologically middle-aged,

He is still naturally enterprising and zesty.

He is careful not to let his thinking become uptight,

Else he will enter a world of pain.

For too many Js will burn the lungs,

And too much half-and-half will age the heart.

The toe that slips over the line may get cut off,

Making it difficult to wear flip flops.

Thus, the Dude does not detour when he drives,

Because one who departs from the path of Dudeness

Ends up going the way of Donny.

Tao Te Ching: 55

One who is rich in character

Can be said to be like a newborn baby.

Snakes and scorpions will not sting him,

Wild animals will not attack him,

And birds of prey will not swoop down upon him.

His bones are flexible,

And his muscles soft—

Yet his grip is so strong!

He is unaware of coitus,

And yet his penis stands erect—

His vitality is at full potential indeed!

He can scream all day and not become hoarse—

In what great shape his body must be!

To know this freshness is to be in accord with the eternal,

And to be in accord with the eternal is to be enlightened.

Though vitality inevitably wanes,

Artificial attempts to increase it are ill-fated.

An overuse of vital energy is bound to backfire:

Those who struggle against their decay

Grow old before their time.

This is a departure from the way of nature—

And whatever departs from this way

Meets an untimely end.